What are the best coaching lines of alltime?

[2cansam]

Quote "you guys look like a bunch of retards trying to hump a doornob"

Movie: Dodgeball

[Coach Jacobs, GCT]

Joe Paterno explaining his approach to alumni boosters: "Keep giving us your money, but not your two cents."

Ron Ganulin, former St. Francis college basketball coach, on when he knew his team was in for a long season: "When we lined up for the national anthem before our first game and I heard one of my senior players say, 'Every time we hear that song, we have a bad game.'"

[Made]

"show me a good loser, and I will show you a loser"
-the "Bear"

[blue4hire]

Glanville to a new "college boy" referee.

"This is the NFL, that stands Not For Long if you keep making calls like that."

[Rulesman]

Abe Lemons: "The problem with referees is they don't care who wins."

Jud Heathcote (to Hank Nichols) following a technical foul:
Jud - "Why did you T me up?"
Hank - "For giving me the choke sign"
Jud - "I was fixing my tie"
Hank - "You're wearing a turtleneck"

[2cansam]

coach: " what the heck were you doing"
Player: "Who"
Coach: "You are not an owl you don't sit on a limb and crap through feathers"

[sam]

Anything said by Don Campbell.

He once said they were planning on airing it out one game but they went 2 for 10 against air in pregame so he said to he11 with it. 

[sam]

Joe Paterno said he doesn't talk to kickers...................what do you say to them...................kick?

[sam]

Don Campbell also described his 5'5" noseguard as the last guy in town to know when it rains.

He also gave his sonic player of the game to his O-line because they did a great job of getting out of DeAngelo Williams way all night. 

[parpar]

My first game as an on-field college offical.  Went to the visiting coach.

Coach, I need to check your footballs.

"We didn't bring any."

Excuse me, I said.

"We'll play with theirs.  Let me give you a secret.  We are going to throw it 80 times today."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOkay, I said.

"But 78 of them will be in warm-ups."

And he was right.

Also, when I told David Alpe at Malvern, "Coach, we had offsetting fouls so we will replay the down."

Coach Alpe said "Wait a minute.  Coach Smith and I talked about that before the game.  He agreed I would get the first one and he would get the second one."

[gwdblue1]

Coach Campbell on the radio one night:

reporter: "Coach, how many passes did you throw tonight?"

Campbell: :We were 2 for 2, 100% completion rate. We   completed one to us and one to the other team."

[philgoodallday]

Coach Jerome Pace (who I don't know if he is still coaching or not), when a player on my junior high team did the "Nestee Plunge" after a touch down catch:

"The next time you do that, there better be a swimming pool behind you or I'll be the one celebrating...getting to throw the paddle to your a@@!"

[Waddl3]

playoffs?!?!?!!?!? or coach rhodes talking about the bears

[sam]

Y'all warm-up while I go comb my hair.  -Alan Rhettmann

Did he ever say that? ^

[jsample]

coach williams of pocahontas probably coined:  "Well, this year we are going to be pretty small, but hey, were slow too."

[Waddl3]

Y'all warm-up while I go comb my hair.  -Alan Rhettmann

Did he ever say that? ^

hahahhaha you like talking dirty don't you?

[Rattler4Life]

Senior High basketball coach who's name escapes me now was putting the boys through the wringer after a terrible loss the night before. Practice was almost over and he lined them up for calisthenics, "All right feet shoulder with apart, arms to your sides, now reach around and see if you can find your butt because you couldn't find it last night!"

[sandlift]

I was told this story by some oldtimers. In a basketball game the coach called a time out and when they broke the huddle, one of the players went to guard the ref. and the ref said to the the coach what are you doing and the coach said, your the one beating us so i guess we should guard you.

[2cansam]

I was told this story by some oldtimers. In a basketball game the coach called a time out and when they broke the huddle, one of the players went to guard the ref. and the ref said to the the coach what are you doing and the coach said, your the one beating us so i guess we should guard you.

I am going to have to use that one!!

[JohnMarkTomayo]

John McKay, first coach of the TB Buccaneers, when asked what he thought of his team's execution, replied "I'm all in favour of it!".

He also told the media at a press conference, "You guys don't know the difference between a football and a bunch of bananas!".  The following week at his press conference, after someone had dropped off a case of bananas at his door, he told them "You guys don't know the difference between a football and a mercedes-benz!".

[Maynard G Krebs]

My high school coach to a receiver on a missed pass:  "What's the matter?  Did it hit you in the hands?"

[PDFTA]

i went out on defense one time and i was in 7th grade playing on the jr team and i missed every tackle that clearly i shoulda had..my coach called me and said "hey bass, come here!" I said coach, my name's smith he said i know but your just happy to put on a jersey and nothin else so im gonna call you earnest t bass...i didnt get that joke for 2 years!! lololol

[2cansam]

On this team, we are all united in a common goal: to keep my job.
-- Lou Holtz


The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract.
-- Spider Lockhart


They say a tie is like kissing your sister. I guess that is better than kissing your brother.
-- Lou Holtz

We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. I just can't figure out where else to play!
-- Pat Williams

[2cansam]

1. Joe Theismann, ESPN Announcer and Former NFL Quarterback
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
(Norman? Is he related to Albert? I guess we know who isn't a genius.)

2. Torrin Polk, University of Houston Wide Receiver
When asked about his coach John Jenkins, he said...

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

And next he's going to let them paint their fingernails.
3. Former New Orleans Saints RB George Rogers
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first"

Now I haven't been in a math class in 20-some odd years, but I do believe 1,000 still comes before 1,500.
4. Houston Oilers Head Coach Bill Peterson
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."

Bill also gets extra credit for these inspirational words:

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
5. Dick Butkus, Former Chicago Bears Linebacker
"I wouldn't ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was important -- like a league game."

Hey, at least he holds back in practice!
6. William Perry, Former Chicago Bears Defensive Tackle
"I've been big ever since I was little."

Hmmm... okay.
7. Jerry Rice, San Francisco 49ers Wide Receiver
"I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that."

dang... you got us Jerry!
8. Lee Corso, College Football Analyst
"Hawaii doesn't win many games in the United States."

Here's a hint for you Lee... Hawaii is in the United States.
9. Bob Hoying, Ohio State Buckeyes Quarterback
After winning a Big Ten title for Ohio State...

"I'm really happy for Coach Cooper and the guys who've been around here for six or seven years, especially our seniors."

And the fourth grade was the best three years of his life!
10. Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson, Former Dallas Cowboys Linebacker
Commenting on Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw's intelligence...

"He couldn't spell cat if you spotted him the C and the T."

[2cansam]

1992 Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

1987 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

1996 Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

1981 Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."

1966 Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"

1981 Mike McCormack , coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."

1991 Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

1986 Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."

1976 Greg Buttle, New York Jet linebacker, explaining his contractual obligations: "They pay me to practice. Sundays I play for free."

1996 Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."

1981 Dorothy Shula , on the career dedication of her husband, the Miami Dolphins' coach: "I'm fairly confident that if I died tomorrow, Don would find a way to preserve me until the season was over and he had time for a nice funeral."

1976 Mike Newlin, Houston Rocket guard, after a game his team lost to the New York Nets: "We were the quintessence of athletic atrocity."

1966 Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesn't use a lonely end: "We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown."

1976 Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash., after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30: "It wasn't as easy as you think. It's hard to stay awake that long."

1986 Jeff Kemp, 49ers quarterback, when asked about his rapport with wide receiver Jerry Rice: "Rapport? You mean like, 'You run as fast as you can, and I'll throw it as far as I can'?"

1966 Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked, during a question-and-answer session with a group of fans, how he pronounced his name: "Tom."

1991 Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

1976 Abe Lemons, University of Texas basketball coach, when asked if he felt his team should be ranked in the Top Twenty this season: "You mean in the state?"

[2cansam]

15) Erk Russell, Ga Southern—"We don't cheat, that costs money."

14) Woody Hayes, Ohio State—"Three things can happen when you pass the ball, and two of them are bad."

13) Frank Howard, Clemson—"Virginia? That's the white meat of our schedule."

12) Bowden Wyatt, Tennessee—"Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in bad humor."

11) Duffy Daugherty, Michigan State—"Football is not a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."

10) John McKay, Sou Cal—"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking."

9) Frank Howard, Clemson—"I retired for health reasons. The alumni got sick of me."

Hayden Fry, SMU—"I don't give a hoot about the Rice Owls."

7) Spike Dykes, Texas Tech—"They whipped us like a tied-up goat."

6) Knute Rockne, Notre Dame—"I've found prayers work best when you have large players."

5) Shug Jordan, Auburn—"Remember boys, Goliath was favored also."

4) Darrell Royal, Texas—"Trends are bunk. Angry people win football games."

3) Paul Dietzel, LSU—"You learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life."

2) Bob Devaney, Nebraska—"I don't want to win enough to be placed on NCAA probation, I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."

1) Frank Howard, Clemson—"I had a lifetime contract, but the administration declared me dead."

Give Lou Holtz honorable mention for his comment while coaching at Arkansas: "Motivation is simple. Eliminate players who aren't motivated."

[2cansam]

""Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers."
~Merle Kessler

"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."
~Erma Bombeck

"The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
~Phyllis Diller

"Watching football is like watching pornography. There's plenty of action, and I can't take my eyes off it, but when it's over, I wonder why the heck I spent an afternoon doing it."
~Luke Salisbury

"Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent."
~Dave Barry

"When I played pro football, I never set out to hurt anyone deliberately - unless it was, you know, important, like a league game or something."
~Dick Butkus

"Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important."
~Eugene J. McCarthy


"Most football teams are temperamental. That's 90% temper and 10% mental."
~Doug Plank

"Football isn't a contact sport, it's a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."
~Duffy Daugherty

"Football combines two of the worst things in American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings."
~George Will

"You have to play this game like somebody just hit your mother with a two-by-four."
~Dan Birdwell

"If my mother put on a helmet and shoulder pads and a uniform that wasn't the same as the one I was wearing, I'd run over her if she was in my way. And I love my mother."
~Bo Jackson

"We can't run. We can't pass. We can't stop the run. We can't stop the pass. We can't kick. Other than that, we're just not a very good football team right now."
~Bruce Coslet

"College football is a sport that bears the same relation to education that bullfighting does to agriculture."
~Elbert Hubbard

[n0toriousnrg]

playing basketball at mansfield my junior year, we were getting beat at paris at halftime.  coach floyd fisher comes in, shatters his clipboard against the concrete wall, and yells:  "YOU GUYS ARE PLAYING LIKE A BUNCH OF...A BUNCH OF wussy HEADS!"  it took everything we had not to laugh hysterically.


'wussy'  was originally '\/agina'.  don't change it, it's a medical term, it's not vulgar and it's hilarious.

[R. A.™]

"Lightening struck the outhouse and we were in it" Former HSU Coach the late Sporty Carpenter after a loss to UAM

[MrOfficial]

In the days when particpation numbers are down, a certain NE Arkansas HS still has 75-90 kids out.  I commented to the coach he must be doing something right.  He said "well thanks, but you know, after the first 14 or 15 they are all just sandwich eaters!"   

[johnharrison]

Coach Roy Wade:

Pair up in groups of three"

[Captain_Caveman]

My high school offensive line coach, Ritchie Mathis said on more than one occassion,  "You guys couldn't knock my son off the line if he was wearing roller-skates".  He also liked to use "You couldn't bust a grape".

One of my favorites is "We not very big or fast, but we make up for it with a lack of strength".

[whoa.pardner]

Coach John McKay, coach of the Tampa Bay Bucs after another bad loss when asked by a reporter how he felt about his team's "execution" - "I'm for it."

Coach John McKay, USC coach, after his team gave up a pretty good size halftime lead and lost after getting smoked in the 2nd half, talking to his team. -   "Those of you who need a shower, take it."

Alex Karas - "After a game, when other players are taking their showers, Butkus just sits there and licks himself clean."

[The_Devil_Himself]

"Lightning struck the outhouse, and we were in it"

Sporty Carpenter referring to his heavily favored Reddies being upset by UAM.


"He can take his 'uns and beat yer 'uns, and then take yer 'uns and beat his 'uns."

Bum Phillips referring to the greatness of Don Shula.

[CHSBISON77]

"If you screw up another block i swear i will rip your head off and spit down the hole".....not from a moive...just what the O-line heard from time to time lol

[CACKY]

"Men, I want everyone to circumcise their watches."

Coach Rip Powell, Southern State Muleriders, ensuring no one would be late for the bus.  and believe me, nobody was!

[UGABall009]

"Being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there. It's not about winning. It's about you and your relationship with yourself, your family and your friends. Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didnt let them down because you told them the truth. And that truth is you did everything you could. There wasnt one more thing you could've done. Can you live in that moment as best you can, with clear eyes, and love in your heart, with joy in your heart? If you can do that gentleman - you're perfect!"  ~ Odessa Permian Football Coach Gary Gaines Halftime Speech in 1988.

[Rulesman]

Heard this one last Saturday night from a basketball coach having a problem with his big man not following directions: "You'd think he was resource!"

[hb14lh]

"Gentlemen, we'll be successful this year if you can focus on three things, and three things only: Your family, your religion, and the Green Bay Packers."

The late great Jim Valvano quoting Vince Lombardi before his first game coaching at Rutgers. (Meant to say Rutgers Basketball)

[HOOK]

My favorite coaching line is not funny but it is REAL as a high school football player. Coach Eddie Jackson would tell us before every game at Prescott that u have 48minutes to PLAY and a LIFETIME to remember it. You dont realize how TRUE that was until your finish playing years later and you go back and think about that game.

[Tommy TIGER]

 

[birdman16]

No mention of Jim Mora.

"We couldn't do diddly poo offensively."

"We couldn't run the ball, we didn't try to run the ball. We couldn't get a first down. We suck, we absolutely suck!"

"Pla, Pla, Playoffs!? You're talking to me about Playoffs!? I just hope we can win a game, another game!"

Mike Ditka

Reporter: "Coach Ditka why are you in such a bad mood."
Ditka: "What do you care. If you were 2-8 you would be in a bad mood too."

Ditka: "Yea well you just come up here and try it buddy."
Reporter: "Coach Ditka."
Ditka: "No I want to talk to him. I know I'm smarter then that son of a -----!"

Reporter: "Coach could you tell us about some of the injuries today."
Ditka: "Talk to the trainer."

Some of my coaches

"We don't have any brains, we don't have any courage, and we don't have any heart. Ladies we're going to Oz!"
We were doing the dirty dozen and we had to start over because all of us started laughing.

"If you want air conditioning, I suggest you run fast."

Player: "Coach we're not at the 50 yd line."
Coach: "We're not, the pressbox isn't on the 50, heck that doesn't matter last week we didn't have a maroon stripe on the 20."
Somebody painted the stripe on the 15

"We need to get out of here before something stupid happens and this is a prime place for it."

"If we lose to these guys, I'm just going to wander off into those woods. You'll find me in about 3 days, laying in the middle of a highway."

"They are going to be back there doing their Dukes of Hazard Sh-- and we are going to be playing football."
He was talking about the demo derby going on next to the stadium

"I don't care if you're in Egypt, you don't miss a Labor Day practice."

[parpar]

Frank Broyles had a great line yesterday.  Not quoting but something like:

Today's defensive coordinators have a much more difficult time.  When I started, there was one flanker and you just lined up to stop everything inside and covered him one on one.  When the went to two flankers, you had to spread them out a little more.  When they went with three, I quit.

He also told the story about the time that the Falcons were interested in him.  He told Barbara about it and she said "Make sure you negotiate a private jet in your contract".  He said "Really?  Why?"  She said, "Because I'm not moving from Fayetteville and you will need one to come home every week."